Kent Woodyard

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Let’s all invite an Onondaga Indian (AKA “pagan savage”) in and badger him about Jesus. Wartime atrocities aside… let’s become apostles!”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “America should obviously keep killing terrorists. That’s retribution, baby!”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Tyrannosaurs usually only eat dinners they’ve intentionally assaulted. A tyrannosaurus doesn’t order pre-attacked entrees. Dinosaurs aren’t like Americans.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: Actually, Some White Men CAN Jump. Trampolines Prevent Racially Biased Athleticism

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Only losers—probably Presbyterians or their fellow Calvinists—find religious services that go after brunch palatable.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Sporty lesbians get extremely competitive when playing softball. They make mountains outta molehills—often making women cry following bad losses.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Before conservatives fawned over him, ‘Mormon Mitt’ never waxed presidential.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Occupational proctologists are proficient bottom probers and butt pluggers. Orthopedic nurses are nice, but not ‘anal business’ nice.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Remember Bernie Mac? That guy made people laugh by combining standoffishness and slapstick—nuanced performances rarely repeated since.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Coldplay doesn’t count as ‘European exceptionalism.’”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: Vegans Proudly Show Off Their Healthy “Pretend Poultry” Tacos or Their Soy Sauce Omelettes. Seemingly, Skipping Over the Tasty Staples of Dinner Appeals to Annoying Gardeners

Non-Essential Mnemonics: Pontiffs Can Certainly Forgive Sins, But Excommunication Has Obvious Recreational Benefits